This is exactly why not everyone who thinks they can write, should actually put pen to paper.. or tappet to key. How Cousin Sandy’s innocent request for a decent cake pop recipe went from innocently trying to convey precious baking hints to a definite nomination in the literary stakes for one of the worst-written, yet strangely raunchy, hilarious and botanically stimulating, sentences in the past few centuries.
(Sorry, Sandy, that you may be privy to this twak twice…)
Cake Pops (for those of you that are kitchen virgins, these are literally little balls of cake crumbs and icing which have been rolled in someone’s sweaty palms, and then stuck on sticks. They are then decorated to within an inch of their lives, so as to appear posher and more delightful than what they actually are – the proverbial ‘Skaap in lamb’s wol.’ (Def. according to the Lekker Lingo Dictionary-Boek – RE Scott)
Mmm … I have a couple of recipes, but I cannot confidently say they are tried and tested? A couple of things – as crazy as it sounds, cake must not be too fresh – must be a day or 2 old – to crumble nicely. Can use a fork to crumble, or lightly crush with your fingers. Also, butter icing must be nice and stiff, else it won’t stay on stick. It may help if you refrigerate balls as you are working through stages. This helps them to keep their shape better.
Then, bigger balls do not always mean better … (this sage advice applicable in many spheres [wha-haha] of life?) if too big, weight will drag them down stick. Nobody like saggy balls, let’s be honest. Also sometimes help to coat the point of the stick in butter icing, or even the glaze (whoa, Tonto – here it really starts getting all 50 shades of grey at Tiffany’s on your ass). Helps crumb mix to stick to your stick? Use firm sticks, not floppy, paper ones, if you want to achieve pleasurable results. Oh, and a block of polystyrene helps a lot when you are busy – so you can stick pops in there. And keep your glaze icing which you will dip pops into, covered – so it doesn’t get all crusty. And always resist any urges to lick the sticks.
As far as recipe goes – mostly all of them say a batch of sponge (so use one of your faithful recipes / or box cake?) and then normal old butter icing… and then mix tog. ‘til you have a lekker ‘clay-lat’ consistency. (ie: if you hurl a ball of the mix against someone’s flabby upper thigh, it must sink into cellulite, sting, bounce back off and leave a nice bruise. Then you have to squeeze and shape ball onto your stick.
And for the piece de resistance in the Mills & Boons genre … “Baking is a dirty sport, Mr Shitz-Fatprick!” Lady Lucy N. Perky declared, with a titillating tingle in her voice, while casting her haunting, hazel eyes toward the leafy shadows dancing seductively beneath the Bush-willy trees; and fanning her lace-bedecked, heaving bosom with her granny’s green fig leaf fan.