Trend-doodling and other party themes.


Oh, darlings – yes, that includes you, my 9 fans… you must simply take a gander over to http://ladyornot.com for a refreshing and voluminous commentary on what I assume is normal American life in the ‘Burbs (and maybe the ‘Hood or fat camp). This lady loved Bacon first, and now all those unimaginative semi-others have latched onto the trend and are popping this porky treat by podgy handfuls into their portly pie-holes.

That is the agony of  being a trendsetter … the uniqueness that you bring to the table – in this case, the love of Babe’s bum fried up in lard -only lasts for a short while before the rest of the mortals latch on and hoover all the good stuff up.

Now, back to my favourite topic – ME. I find myself a suffering trendsetter, too. (Yup – that is what you call people that like and do things way before it is considered cool by mere mortals…) But my area of trend-doodling – (Do not pinch this word to use as your own! This is a ‘Damn, I thought of that!’ moment for me) – is in kid’s party themes. So I did Stinky Winky, Ho and their cronies, Winnie-da-Poo and See Saw, Tonsils Inc., You Little Phoney, Dingleberry Shartface, Finding Zero, Hello Titty, Trailer trash Barbie and the Disney gals (including Stinkerbell) way before they had printed the napkins and designed the invites. I have endured In-colouritus in my wrist – caused by hand – colouring pictures of then-not-so-popular kid’s cartoon characters on everything from boxes to envelopes to placemats. When I do do a theme, I go all out -everything must match – am a bit anal that way. (Ha ha. Made a funny: Poo … do do … anal.)

And then, 6 months later when a now former BFF or BFA (Bitchy False Aquaintance) does the same party in the same theme… it is always better, ‘cos by then, there are cupcake wrappers, balloons and wine glasses for the mom’s … all pre-printed, colour-coded, sandblasted, pre-packed and ready be put out by the hideously overpriced pompous party planner.

Oh, the agony of being a trendsetting anti-mommy blogger …

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Toddlers ‘n Tiara’s plus Extreme Couponing…


Oh, my word! I am beside myself. These Americans just think of everything. There is an extreme couponer on Toddlers ‘n Tiara’s. No. Really. It is like having my cake and eating it. What a timesaver – like watching 2 shows for the price of one. My multitasking has now taken on a whole new level.

Currently, I am:

– eating chocolate ice cream (yes, even after working with choc cake and icing for 3 days non-stop, enduring an excruciating headache, which I suspect has something to do with said attraction to this stuff, one can never have enough chocolate);

– blogging

– mentally preparing for yet another job interview tomorrow – what to wear, what questions to ask…

– watching Toddlers ‘n Tiara’s AND Extreme Couponing all in one viewing

– boiling the kettle for my first cup of tea of the evening

– chewing my nail

– sucking in my gut so I can see the keyboard of my laptop

Yes, dear readers, I am so thinly spread … like low fat spread on a WeightWatchers cracker.

Speaking of which – many of these crazy pageant momma’s, along with myself, need to dust off the ol’ sensible eating plan … Christmas is round the corner – almost time for my yearly shave again – and I need to be able to reach my ankles with the Gillette.

(Am scared – for the children, and the other parents – there is this big pageant momma waltzing around the pageant practice with a baseball bat. No. Really.)

 

 

So, I didn’t get the job. Again.


Yup. Another freaking interview that went smashingly well. And it was between me and another … just the two. (Have also been part of three’s a crowd.) And I didn’t get it…again. It is really getting difficult to stay upbeat. I have been over qualified, under qualified, too creative, too ambitious, not enough of a go-getter, not living close enough to the prospective place of work, actually wanting to earn at least half of what I am worth … man, it is getting really frustrating. And I threw my happy face in the shoe cupboard. Am I perhaps defective merchandise? Return to sender? Out of warranty? Outdated? Faulty? Overpriced? And we will start again on Monday…

At least this weekend I was able to bake my frustrations away … from lifesize Yorkies to fairy princesses. A different kind of stress that also had a few hiccups – like when the damn dog’s cheek kept falling off! Must say, said hound left here in one piece – let’s hope it made it’s way to St Francis, through our potholed streets. Mary Anne was very gracious about acceptinjg the bakkie of icing for ‘just in case’. And I sincerely hope that she didn’t have to use the icing. Mary Anne!!! Answer your phone!!! (I have vowed never to own a Yorkie a.k.a “My personal Cujo”.) http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/185658021565822/

As my Mumsie keeps saying … everything happens for a reason… and things could be worse… I could be starving elsewhere in Africa… Aaargh. No. Really.

Umm … my eggs, they are scrambled.


That is what I replied to S today when he asked my something. What I was actually trying to articulate was the messy state of my brain. And in a way, my answer, was both literal and figurative, as at the time, I was trying to work out how many eggs I would be needing to buy for 2 normal cakes, one real-life doggy cake, 8 doz cupcakes and a fairy cake?!

And let me tell you, there was more scramble than over easy in the carvern that is my skull, ‘coz I had just come out of another job interview, in a neighbouring town. And, between measuring and costing quantities of cocoa, my brain was over-analyzing how things went in the ‘boardroom’ – so to speak. Was I dressed too casually? Did my lippy register as confident-thirties or floozy-forties? How long before the time can I bake a cake, before it is considered stale? Would I like working back in Agriculture? Did I sound intelligent enough and did I ask enough/ too little relevant questions? Is R6 too much to charge for a decent cupcake with real butter icing?

And, as I just dosed myself with a bit of Toddlers ‘n Tiara’s (and can you believe, that brat, Mackenzie, wore the same dress as last time!) me and my wits- we are still weighing up the flour and the effectiveness of Excel in setting up sales calls and customer records.

To end – more verbal dribble from the formiddable C …

After she had chased and tantalized the living daylights out of the formerly dignified female feline, who goes by the name of Maya, the air was filled with exhaustion and the smell of fear. C slowed her pace through the kitchen, as she heard the theme tune to i-Carly filtering in from the TV room,  and swerved left – as the cat veered right – and took a skip, skip, jump – landing her sweaty ass, with a resigned flop, on the couch. But the real cherry-on-top came just before this moment, as C sped past me and mumbled under her breath, “The force is strong with that one.” WTF? I am assuming she was referring to the poor cat, who by then was cowering in the the corner behind my toilet at the opposite end of the house.

C – she also cracks me and my eggs up. No, really.

OK – Today I am getting my shit together!!


Took a day off yesterday to feel crap and morbid about life in general. No one around me really noticed! They all went on with watching repeats on TV, playing games, teasing the dogs, eating cupcakes, attending social functions and business meetings. I couldn’t even find a rerun of Toddlers ‘n Tiara’s to cheer me up anywhere on the few 100 channels!

But, today, I am ready to get my shit together – literally and figuratively!! I am going to individually repack all the jewellery pieces I shovelled into an empty Nike box on Friday night, in my fit of self-pity. And I shall use this post to blatantly advertise one of my fabulous talents-  http://www.facebook.com/#!/rosfromscratchbeading !!

Hell, I may even make a few fairies for next week’s fairy cake!! And a nose for a certain hound cake, too!! And I will be turning out a batch of buttermilk rusks! Some more blatant advertising of my other biaatch that all-consumes me: See my fabulous group at ros from scratch – baking and blogging. http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/185658021565822/ !!

Please note the frivilous use of exclamation marks!! My happy face is on for a bit, today!!

I am exhausted – physically and emotionally.


I spent the past week beading, baking and blogging – not neccessarily in that order. These three bitches kept me up late into the night – threading, squinting, icing, labelling, worrying, applying for accreditation, doling out money for supplies and stalls.

The trifector makes up ros from scratch – and it is supposed to be my ticket to financial freedom, mental stimulation, enhanced social standing and my new career. But the whole lot tumbled like a Great Dane’s dog poo on the lagoon’s edge … then it washed down the stream.

Paid good money to have 2 stalls this weekend; made a f-load of cupcakes. Christmas tree bling and vintage jewels. Sweated my arse off setting everything up at the first stall. And I think that once I had deducted the cost of the stall and supper for me and C, I made 29 bucks. No – really. Sold no jewellery and ended up packing cupcakes in and out of boxes.

Then, for today’s outdoor stall, I actually had to go and get accredited by two retired aunties (this between icing all the freaking cupcakes). And there is a list of rules as long as my arm. Felt like I was in the principal’s office. Had to hand over more bucks and sign the rest of 2012 away. And then, today, it rained. And the wind blew. And it was cold. So no market. Although after last night’s epic fail …I seriously have doubts about showing my face in this town again. The fact that I actually made it out of bed, is in itself a feat of astounding proportions.

I am seriously going to step up my job search in the formal sector. Am thinking that I would rather have a fixed income and be paid my worth, than have to haggle and convince people to pay R7.50 for a cupcake that cost me R8 in ingredients and time to make. It is also the last time I shall be baking my fares in the hope that someone may take pity on me and buy. Orders only. Screw that.

It is hard for me to put on my smiley face and be fabulously funny today. I so wish to make a living doing something that I love and thought that I was reasonably good at. Or so people have told me. And if these people have being lying to me – be afraid… I know where you stay … and it gets dark every evening.

I am questioning all my hopes, efforts and hard work over the past few months. If I can’t do this right, where will I eventually find my little place of happiness? I need some justification for being on this earth – and yes, I am materialistic – show me some money. I am tired of hobbling along.

I take this all too personally – I need to feel needed and valued to be happy. And now I don’t.

(You will notice that due to lack of enthusiasm, there are no exclamation marks in this post.)

The Anti-Mommy Blogger


Oh, what an evil web of manipulation is being spun. And that is one thing you can’t take away from women – if they want it badly enough, they shall figure out a way to get it.

For some, the ultimate goal is Jimmy Choo’s (Go, Karyn!) For others it is the big fat fish carved out of a stump of alien wood by 7 year-olds in Malaysia, that can only be bought for a ludicrous sum Wey in the Landt of the rich and snooty. Many will work towards a few hours of uninterrupted reading with Mr Grey (apparently, better than the real thing with the husband). Some aim for 2 bottles a night.

For me, in this minute of this moment, I am aiming for one thing only – and that is to beat my record views per day. I have resorted to attacking the American intellect; posting revolting pic’s – that once have been seen, cannot be unseen; using carefully-thought out tags and generally being a bit of an arse.

S says that I should expect hate-mail; and that he does not have time to patrol the boundaries of our property on the lookout for extremists who know where I stay. And I have been given strict instructions to stay away from the post box.

I am almost positive the term “Anti-Mommy Blogger” has been slewn across the Net with gay abandon, many times …. but, people, I can p-own this badge for the next few minutes, at least. What, with the crap and useless information I have shared on this blog – especially today.

(Yes, I have considered the sadness of the situation: that a mature, educated woman is pursuing a goal of this nature, seemingly mindless to many. But hey, I am rather anal that way and TV is crap on a Tuesday.)